


Drunken Shenanigans

by Eilera



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Dragon Age Kink Meme, Drunkenness, Gen, Hanged Man shenanigans, Hawke is good at table dancing, Humor, I REGRET NOTHING
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-17
Updated: 2013-06-17
Packaged: 2017-12-15 05:44:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/845985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eilera/pseuds/Eilera
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the Dragon Age Kink prompt:</p>
<p>Because you can never have too many "everyone gets drunk at the Hanged Man" stories!</p>
<p>After a particularly brutal battle all the companions gather at the Hanged Man to celebrate, and they all get very, very drunk. Attempting to play a normal card game while progressively drunkening would be awesome.</p>
<p>(Full prompt inside)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drunken Shenanigans

**Author's Note:**

> Full Prompt:
> 
> Because you can never have too many "everyone gets drunk at the Hanged Man" stories!
> 
> After a particularly brutal battle all the companions gather at the Hanged Man to celebrate, and they all get very, very drunk. Attempting to play a normal card game while progressively drunkening would be awesome.
> 
> Would love to see: (optional suggestions)
> 
> -somebody talking waaaay too much  
> -somebody no longer able to form words and is just asdfkaljdsk  
> -somebody can't stop laughing  
> -completely random hookup between two people who aren't normally into each other  
> -somebody confessing their love because they have no idea that they're saying what they're thinking out loud  
> -somebody loves EVERYONE right now, man  
> -people who can no longer walk straight trying to help each other get across the room  
> -somebody gets the idea to demonstrate a combat move in the middle of the bar and it ends in disaster  
> -two people going shot-for-shot and just destroying each other -two people get into a fight but by the end they're hugging it out
> 
> And so on.
> 
> Multi-fills would be the best thing to ever happen.

Corff the bartender had worked at The Hanged Man for just shy of twelve years. And in that time he was pretty sure he'd seen and heard just about everything. 

Drunken confessions.

Drunken brawls.

Drunken sexual harassment.

Drunken murders.

Drunken cock fights – of the chicken variety, unfortunately.

He was sure there was a connection there somewhere. 

He'd seen patrons covered in blood, mud, wine, piss, the swill he serves from behind the bar, and on one memorable occasion, twelve cats. 

He'd seen Isabela get in 113 bar fights. Aveline had arrested over 223 drunken customers. There had been about 15 attempts on Varric's life (mostly from within the merchant caste). He'd watched Merrill lose over 54 sovereigns on Wicked Grace – in one night. Anders had preached about the plight of mages over 89 times. Sebastian had stumbled across 23 past lovers from his golden days, and he'd lost over 61 patrons since Fenris started making an appearance. 

And Hawke?

He'd seen Hawke steal from over 634 intoxicated customers. He was sure the man paid for his drinks that way. 

Corff pulled himself out of his current musings as a noble woman entered the bar, her gray hair pulled back into a loose ponytail. 

Maker, save him.

“Uh, what can I do for you...milady?” he asked nervously, hastily washing up the day old vomit that was congealing on the counter.

The woman smiled serenely. “I'm looking for my son, Garrett? He usually meets his companions here in the evenings.”

Corff inwardly winced. To have Hawke's mother here, of all people! And a lady no doubt! “Ah...you are Hawke's mother?” he replied stupidly, a pathetic attempt at stalling the woman. As a drunken patron stumbled and fell over the counter, he grabbed a glass of water and poured it on the man's head absentmindedly. “I-I'm not sure I've seen him lately. Milady.” he hastily added.

“I just thought it would be a good idea to get to know his friends better, see what he likes to do for fun. Maker knows he doesn't do enough for himself.” The woman sighed softly.

“Of course, milady.” He said graciously. “Perhaps next time he can bring you with him when he-” 

“Take it off, take it off, take it off!”

To the bartender's eternal horror, Hawke was standing on one of the tables, with his shirt off. Next to him was an enthusiastic old fart-- 

(The suspicious man, to be precise. The one that knows that we know that he knows that they know that she knows that we know that Meredith is a cross-dressing Qunari.

Or something like that. Corff would usually stop listening at that point.)

– who was having coins stuffed into his underwear while the others encouraged their leader to continue his intoxicated strip tease with the dirty old man.

“Hawke?” Leandra's quiet, strangled voice was a few octaves higher than usual.

The two of them stood stiffly, unable to look away from the disturbing carnage in front of them.

Garrett undulated on the table, his pants sliding off him slowly like a snake shedding skin. It was oddly mesmerizing. The old man's creepy, lecherous grin would give Leandra nightmares for the rest of her life.

Corff was only surprised they were wearing underpants.

“You said you weren't wearing any!” Isabela yelled, loud enough that everyone who was pretending not to look took the chance to leer. 

Hawke gave her a smarmy grin, his eyes attempting (and failing) to focus on the busty pirate. “I won't be wearing any very soon if-” he paused, eyeing the old man gyrating for more coin. “-where did you come from?” 

“I can't believe you'd get even this far!” Merrill giggled. And giggled. And giggled some more, the occasional hiccup interrupting the otherwise endless flow of laughter.

Varric patted the elf on the back absentmindedly. “Daisy, Hawke would dance naked in front of Orsino and confess his undying affection for some coin.”

“I would not!” Garrett pouted, swaying slightly on the table top. “I...I...I am a dig...digni...blast, where's my ale?” He paused, chugging a full glass of what was supposed to be alcohol but tasted more like vomit mixed with piss and shame. “I'll have you...have you know, I am a dignified noble now.”

“I'll give you a gold sovereign if you make out with Sebastian.” Isabela crowed, causing the whole room (with the exception of one very disturbed mother) to cheer him on.

Hawke eyed Sebastian, looking the other man up and down. 

Sebastian shrugged, his cheeks a rosy red. “You know I love you, Hawke.” He said, whilst staring at Anders (who was, unfortunately for him, completely sober) and leaning forward for a kiss.

“I'm not Hawke.” The healer frowned, pushing at Sebastian's face. “Get off me.”

“I love you too Varric.”

“It's Anders.”

“So much love.” The archer sighed, slumping sideways to hug a nearby potted plant. 

This was followed by Isabela cheering for Sebastian to make out with the poor, unassuming plant.

Leandra might possibly have whimpered at this point, but Corff could barely hear it over the noise. The poor woman seemed to be stuck in a waking nightmare.

“Sebastian doesn't wanna kiss me.” Hawke sighed, laying down on the table as if it were a comfy bed, absentmindedly petting a still giggling Merrill on the head. The suspicious old man looked disappointed.

Fenris stood up, his chair wobbling slightly less than him. “Hawke, you don't the priest isn't going to be here.” he slurred, frowning at the words coming out of his mouth.

“Huh?” the newly appointed noble grunted, tilting his head back on the table so he could stare at the elf upside down. “I'm pretty drunk, but not drunk enough to understand that.”

“I'msilenumsignafiumstokishnow.” Fenris growled, leaning forward and placing a lopsided kiss on Hawke's lips. Corff was pretty sure some of that was Arcanum.

“I got a kiss!” Garrett cheered, lifting a new mug of ale in the air (and spilling copious amounts onto his bare chest) to cheers from the crowd. Everyone took a drink simultaneously. 

“I think we've all had enough.” Aveline nodded, swaying slightly. “I think its time we leave before we get kicked out.”

“Nonsense, Aveline! Corff wouldn't-” Hawke stopped, his eyes landing on the woman standing next to the bartender. 

Corff was pretty sure Hawke had faced many a dangerous creature with less fear than he displayed at that moment.

The two Hawke's stared at each other for what felt like hours. Finally Leandra's manged to put her hands on her hips, an angry frown appearing on her face.

“Garrett Milton Hawke, I am very disappointed in you.” She said, her tone one of crippling shame that only mother's are able to reach.

Garrett frowned, attempting to get up from the table. “Mother, I - dammit, where are my pants? - wait!”

Leandra sent him a withering glare before turning on her heel and marching out the door. 

Silence reigned supreme for all of three seconds.

“You're middle name is _Milton_?” Varric laughed.

Garrett groaned, letting his head hit the table.


End file.
